John Colton's blog

My dad sent me a long list of puns a week or two ago. Many of them I had seen before; some I had not. Here are some of the better ones, which I added to my Pun Page.

Don't know about my Pun Page? It's here:

http://www.uwlax.edu/faculty/colton/personal/jokes/jokes-puns.html


The new additions:


A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
_______

A backward poet writes inverse.
_______

In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
_______

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
_______

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
_______

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
_______

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
_______

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
_______

Every calendar's days are numbered.
_______

A lot of money is tainted...'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
_______

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
_______

A plateau is a high form of flattery.
_______

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
_______

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
_______

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
_______

Acupuncture is a jab well done.
_______

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
_______

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
_______

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
_______

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
_______

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at, either.
_______

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
_______

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
_______

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
_______

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.